The Zaxxon Collider

A Man’s Job

2009-07-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

While driving through a small town, I saw banners for the two candidates running against one another for Mayor. One candidate was named “Boy” while the other was named “Mann”. Inevitably, whenever there are elections, there are usually a few choice mud-slinging campaign slogans that stand out above others:

Wonder who won the election?

The Secret of His Super Energy Pill

2009-07-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the cartoon show called Underdog? At some point during the show, Underdog would say:

"The secret compartment of my ring I fill, with an Underdog super energy pill."

As the ring is on his left hand, it is clearly a wedding ring. It therefore follows that the pill must be one of them there blue pills.

Satisfaction guaranteed!

Swan Prepares to Slap Cullen with Divorce Papers!

2009-06-28T15:05:00.001-07:00

Even before the engagement has been finalized with a formal wedding, Swan has prepared for the inevitable outcome:

When interviewed and questioned why she had papers already prepared, Swan made the following comment: “Because Edward Sucks!”

Children of the Can

2009-01-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

Goodyear: You win today Kaiser

2009-01-01T08:26:00.000-08:00

Revenge is a dish best served to plumbers

2008-12-31T07:51:00.000-08:00

Angry Swarms, it's what's for breakfast

2008-12-30T09:41:00.000-08:00

The Watchful Eye

2008-12-30T07:56:00.000-08:00

Goat Exterminator 2K8

2008-12-29T10:33:00.001-08:00

Galve Goat Burning

Crackpot Newspaper Front Page

2008-12-29T08:45:00.000-08:00

Film at its finest

2008-12-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

Aunty Hazel and her Sugar Smacks

2008-12-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

Foot the Bill

2008-12-27T21:55:00.001-08:00

Daily dirt

2008-12-27T09:11:00.001-08:00

Breakfast of Champions

2008-12-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

Daily dirt

2008-12-25T08:02:00.000-08:00

Volume 2

Daily dirt

2008-12-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

Volume One

Strange Movie Facts

2008-12-21T08:41:00.000-08:00

Recently, I watched an unbelievably bad movie on the SciFi channel, “Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon”. Lost treasure? I don’t think so! I wish the friggen movie would have remained lost in the Grand Canyon.

Calling this movie B grade would be an insult to B movies. Calling it Z grade is still giving this cinematic nightmare far too much credit. Dang, I wish there were like five more letters to the English alphabet so I could assign it a fitting crappy low grade. Let’s put it this way, the movie was so bad that I found my mind laughing at the flaws in the same style as the crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

For the few of you who have actually watched this movie, we’ll, accept my condolences cuz you suffered just as much as me. Misery loves company eh?

Let’s take a look at a few odd facts I discovered while watching this little nugget of a SciFi channel created lost treasure gold.

------

Torches in Aztec caves have an endless supply of fuel. These torches are clearly powered by the Energizer Bunny as they keep going and going and going.

Donkeys obviously hide in some hidden fold of hyperspace, allowing them to immediately leap out and appear when whistled for. This fact was proven during the end of the movie when said donkey appeared from hyperspace and galloped into view less than a second after the owner whistled for the beast.

A Quetzalcoatl god is highly flammable. Are you cornered by old Quetzalcoatl? Just flick a burning cig in its direction and watch Quetzalcoatl turning into a yule time Galve Goat… burn baby, burn!

Small rocks thrown at stone pillars are the most frequent cause of Quetzalcoatl god related accidents on the job. If the temple you wish to flee, go to sector 7G. To overcome the Quetzalcoatl’s curse, simply quote a Bible verse. Ummm... Thou shall not… ah to hell with it… picks up a rock and flings it at a pillar! Smack! Crash! Crush!

Being crushed beneath large boulders requires only a few moments to recover for both humans and a Quetzalcoatl god. Sticks and stones won’t break their flexible bones!

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

"The Car", 1977

I stepped into the so-called "death zone", preparing to watch my punishment. The only thing that saved me from certain death was a power failure 30 minutes into the movie.

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-18T20:27:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Dagmar's Hot Pants", 1971

Think two hundred drunk Santa's vomiting all over your yard after a debaucherous pub crawl is bad? Think again. I tell you what bad is. Bad is going to see "Dagmar's Hot Pants" and having someone you know see you leaving the movie theater afterwards.

Were it that I had a hedge trimmer, I would have gladly hacked away at my leg to provide a form of distraction. It's like looking at a lewd photo of Rosanne Barr.

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-15T20:03:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine", 1965

Staggering into my corruption-filled fortress of debauchery aptly named Scotch 1, I prepared to suffer through "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine". Having previously viewed other films from the genre, I knew full well the final outcome would be something similar to a bad case of diarrhea which makes one's rear orifice undergo explosive discharge resembling some sort of exhaust-propelled craft.

The movie promised to deliver up hordes of bikini clad vixens, evoking a response similar to what a teenage male feels after waking early in the morning, being horny and hungry [for more]. The movie however, failed to deliver on either count. This called for the immediate execution of backup plan A, obtaining a wholesome serving of battle royale goodness by watching a trailer for "Uniform Sabaigaru". And I, for one, welcome our new chainsaw wielding Japanese school girl overlords.

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-15T10:32:00.001-08:00

Quotes about "Final Justice", 1985

Having felt the vengeful wrath of my girlfriend after we watched "Feeders", I quickly responded the following night by locking her in a basement containing only an ancient 35mm projector along with a library of Joe Don Baker films. I contemplated including several Lou Diamond Phillips films but consider that cruel and unusual punishment.

Watching anything starring Joe Don Baker is like experiencing the high level of distress one would feel while watching room full of Ewoks in heat.

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-13T14:54:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Jurassic Park", 1993

You know you're in for trouble when the cashier at the video rental store asks
you: 'Are you sure you really want to rent this? We don't give refunds.'

This logo for this movie should have been "You've Been Boned!"

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-12T19:48:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Tarantula", 1955

Having attained an almost superhuman tolerance for bad by forcing myself to view 'made for SciFi Channel' movies, I prepared for the inevitable bloodbath my psyche would face as I settled in to watch 'Tarantula'.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-12T18:46:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Zontar: The Thing From Venus", 1966

Linda: “Next, ‘New New York in Crisis.’ Morbo?”
Morbo: “Puny Earthlings were shocked today to learn 'Zontar: The Thing From Venus' will premier in their pathetic city of New New York.”
Linda: “Makes me glad we live here in Los Angeles.”
Morbo: “Morbo agrees.”

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-10T21:11:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Cat Women of the Moon", 1953

"When I hear a title like 'Cat Women of the Moon', it brings to mind thoughts of hot sexy women slinking about in skimpy leather outfits that compel me to release hoards of Daleks who repeatedly shriek the sexist alpha male domination mantra: "Subjugate, objectify, humiliate!" But once again, reality disappoints by presenting us instead with giant moon spiders that have more sex appeal than the leotard clad cat women who exhibit dancing rituals comparable to an epileptic seizure."

"Your reading this means only one thing, I've met with an untimely demise. Let it be known that my epitaph should read as follows: 'It's true, curiosity not only kills cats, watch this movie and you too shall find out.'"

"I never realized that spiders burn so intensely hot when they die, especially when blasted by a disintegration ray."

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Fire Maidens from Outer Space", 1956

"Okay, 'Fire Maidens from Outer Space' is obviously the product of a blind editor hacking together random scenes found on the cutting room floor as it forms one massive incoherent mess somewhat akin to diarrhea on the big screen. Or to put it another way, it's like watching a movie starring the noted physicist Woody Woodpecker eat Taco Bell for lunch only to end up with a bad case of the 'runs at the border'. The end result is an ass load of fumes emergency venting out his rectal orifice to perpetually shroud the planet in a cloud of caustic vapors so lethal it could bring tears to eyes of a stone statue. Talk about giving a new meaning to the phrase 'Shake a tail feather.' Only in your nightmares will you find something on par with this cinematic pile of steaming crap."

"Too bad the movie wasn't as short as the fire maiden's skirts. It would have saved the viewers, all three of them, a lot of pain and suffering."

When watching anime through to the end becomes an exercise in pain

2008-12-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes being stubborn by nature is a drag. In a number of cases, I tend to see things through even if it is less than enjoyable. Case in point, I'm currently watching an anime called Suzuka. I can only think of one word to describe it, painful.

After suffering through 21 of the 26 episodes, I've yet to find a likable character. Hell, even the ubiquitous anime pet cat is boring. In ways, this reminds me of two other anime that I've watched, Boys Be and Alien 9. One can probably see where I might find similarities with Boys Be since it centers on sports and relationships. What's more, I'd swear the "Yeti" girl appears in both anime, albeit with a different personality. Alien 9 on the other hand might leave a few people scratching their noggins wondering about the tie in.

Seems to me that both this and Alien 9 strive to target a certain personality type and attempt to agitate to no end. But that's where the similarities end. Alien 9 successfully used a bizarre style to target the selected audience. What's more it did it quickly, perhaps a bit too much so as I had do a bit of additional reading to understand half of what the hell was going on in the four short episodes. Having not read the manga put me at a disadvantage but nothing a bit of reading couldn't resolve.

Suzuka on the other hand, lacks in both style and substance. Where Alien 9 drove me to research the manga, Suzuka did quite the opposite. Even knowing there is a manga, I have no inclination or drive to even peek at it. To add insult to injury, Suzuka drags out for what seems like an eternity weighing in at 26 mind numbing episodes. For me, watching each episode is more painful than say, watching something like Trouble Chocolate. At least Trouble Chocolate redeemed itself to a minor extent with segments from the final episode. Sadly, I fear Suzuka can't pull that same rabbit out of hat.

The biggest problem here is that not one single character is likable. As a viewer, most of the characters feel like a 2D sprites in a 3D environment. I find myself wishing the damn thing would turn itself sideways and disappear. Paper Mario this is not!

Let's take a look at some of the characters in Suzuka shall we? We have the primary love triangle between the male, Yamato, and the girls, Suzuka and Honoka. Yamato is simply a rat bastard out only for his own good. Okay, so that's not much different than most of us males. But then again, I don't watch anime to be reminded of the fact that I might be a self centered selfish bastard. Suzuka plays off as a bitch, but I guess that's a necessity for one leg of a love triangle. Honoka, the third part of the triangle, puts up with putz boy for far too long. Her character at least did something reasonable when she confronted putzy for the break up.

Moving off to the secondary characters, we end up having Yamato's pervert friend and the Yeti girl transplant from Boys Be. These two are the closest to being even slightly interesting. But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, possibly with atomic bombs too but I digress again. Add to the mix, two alcoholic ticking time bombs, Yuka and Megumi. Their sole purpose seems to be to use Rat Bastards room as place to drink and torment the the pesky one. What strikes me as out of character is the fact the Yamato doesn't seem to eyeball either one of these girls. Something feels off considering how flighty his character is with spur of the moment "aint she so kawaii" stuff, ala Honoka. Especially since Megumi tends to hang onto him when she's drunk. I don't know about anyone else, but as a male lion, when I'm drinking, things become dangerous. Beer googles are pretty easy to sport after a few drinks. If a girl starts hanging off me and we're both plastered, hmmm, it's highly unlikely I'd be abiding by any high moral standards. Mind you, speaking for myself, I'm talking about mutual stupid drunk behavior, not one sided advantage taking crap. Oops, I've taken a left turn again haven't I? Just remember kiddies, those with extremely high moral standards tend to have few if any friends. Okay, back on track we go.

The plot in itself is unremarkable as the characters. Nothing to see here folks, just move along now, move along. Typical harem style stuff here. Boy meets multiple girls. Must choose, oh the decisions. Boy is flighty like a butterfly moving from flower to flower, oh the quandary. And so on. Can you say daytime soap opera? Nah, even soap operas have some interesting baddies which is less than I can say about this series.

While I'm sure there must be a few fans of the series, it's most likely only those that read the manga, and I'm sure as hell not one of them. I really need to find something good to watch to clear my palate of the horrible after taste left by watching Suzuka. Gack!

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-06T12:37:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "The House of Wax", 1953

"It's like being sent to a guillotine, you sweat profusely as you suffer waiting for the climax ending scene, all the time telling yourself it will only hurt for a second."

"A real B grade movie saddest would find 'The Beast With a Million Eyes' and make it watch 'House of Wax'. Ah, 3D agony times a million."

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-05T22:17:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Satan's Cheerleaders", 1977

"When you hear a title containing the words 'Cheerleaders' and 'Satan', what comes to mind? Any self respecting creepy prevert wannabe immediately fantasizes about scene after scene of scorching hot cheerleader babes strutting about in fishnets and high heels, cracking whips every which way while cat fighting in Wesson oil. But nooo, we're greeted with way too much rhinestone clad plumbers crack from some retard janitor. Thankfully, Satan dispatches said rhinestones sportin putz but not before our eyes have been defiled for what seems like an eternity of damnation."

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Feeders 2", 1998

"If a coma ensues while watching, it is most important not to do or say anything that might disturb or anger the victim, like speaking abruptly, arguing, crying, rough handling, or restarting the film."

"My girlfriend's wrath was swift and brutal to punish me for having us watch the predecessor, 'Feeders'. She invited me over with the guise of having kinky sex, handcuffed me to the bed, and then proceeded to pop a copy of 'Feeders 2' into the VCR before stepping out for the duration of the travesty. I feel like Alex from 'A Clockwork Orange' as I now have the urge to vomit whenever I see handcuffs."

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Nightmare Circus", 1974

"After foolishly watching this movie with my date, I found it was necessary to check her for signs of clinical death. No breathing (chest does not move)? Check. No heart beat (no pulse)? Check. Pupils large, do not change? Check. Release of bowel or bladder? Ewww! Check. Recently completed viewing of a bad film? Double Check. Thanks Nightmare Circus, no nooky for me tonight."

"This film alluded to having gratuitous amounts of sexually hot content similar to what the film "Tamara" delivered via actress Jenna Dewan. Instead, it served up scene after scene of libido decimating imagery that is more akin to a fat dead skid-row bum being consumed by ravenous feral cats.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "The Parallax View", 1974

"A good buddy of mine passed on while watching this film. Having signed an organ donor card, his eyes were donated to a person in need of a transplant. Sadly, the recipient died of shock immediately after the transplant. Prior to dying, they screamed something about a horrible never ending visage of soup stirring from take 98 that was permanently burned onto their retinas."

"The Parallax View is best known for having singly caused every member of the cyclops race to poke their one big eye out."

"Movies should be forced to abide by a truth in advertising policy. Parallax view my ass! I have no doubts that this film was written by a cyclops as it has no depth."

Dating gone bad (aka 30 seconds over Tokyo)

2008-12-05T12:43:00.000-08:00

Funny but true:

You know you're in trouble if you ask a girl out, she accepts, and when you drive over to her house you're told that she's gone out for the evening... on a date with someone else.

You know you're in trouble when the girl you're trying to talk with says "Rule number one, I never look a dork in the eyes" while shes looking away from you.

You know you're in trouble if you ask a girl out and she angrily responds "Okay, who's the jack ass that put you up to this joke?"

You know you're in trouble when you attempt to ask a girl out and afterwards she sends one of her friends, not to talk to you, but to talk with one of your buddies, and tells "him" to tell "you" to stay the hell away from "her". Now that's what I call true double buffering!

You know you're in trouble when your date is non-talkative and you say, "You seem to be the quiet type." and she responds, "Oh no, I actually talk a lot... with people I like."

What's the lesson learned? Have a good sense of humor and place an order for a flameproof self image to protect yourself from all the flak you'll take during that 30 seconds over Tokyo.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "The Legend of Bigfoot", 1976

"The surgeon general has determined that watching this movie is hazardous to your health. It may result in a toe cramp and an exit wound to the back of your head caused by a shotgun blast full of buckshot."

"The Legend of Bigfoot and constipation are like twin siblings. Waiting for either to end seems like it takes an eternity and both will leave a huge void afterwards."

Video Archaeology 101

2008-12-04T11:43:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Waterworld", 1995

"This is without question, the absolute worst movie ever made... but slightly better than Battlefield Earth."

"As with many movies, side effects from watching WaterWeasel may include nausea, projectile vomiting, and possible impotence. Consult a psychiatrist immediately if you experience a priapism while watching this movie."

"Sadly, my pet fish who could not blink, died after watching this movie."

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-11-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

Quotes about the seventh wonder of the world, Disney's "The Black Hole", 1979

"On a scale of one to five stars, I'd rate this as two black holes."

"The special effects were cheaper looking than a truck stop prostitute dressed in sackcloth."

"V.I.N.CENT, who wanders around for much of the film, held up by piano wire is mind numbingly nauseating. Maximilian on the other hand is the sole redeeming value to the film. Cool would have been Maximilian strangling V.I.N.CENT with his own piano wire."

"The two biggest lies I so want to believe are one, 'Under every nurse uniform is a blonde vixen wearing lingerie.' and two, 'Under every nurse uniform is a blonde vixen wearing lingerie.' This film did absolutely nothing to enable my continued belief in those lies! Hopefully hoards of ravenous rabbits acting as scavengers descend upon the film director and feed upon his accursed carcass!"

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-11-28T19:20:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Mansquito", 2005

"The first and most grievous issue lies in the plot. Specifically, there isn't any. I mean absolutely none. If there was anything less, there'd be nothing to project on the screen."

"Another issue with this film is the camera work. It sometimes makes you wish you would go completely blind. Being deaf and blind is the only thing that will protect you from the horror of Mansquito. Helen Keller never had it so good."

"This movie grates on me like a sheet of 80 grit toilet paper."

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

2008-11-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Alien vs. Predator," 2004

"The are only a handful of actors in this film to escape the curse of AVP: O'Bannon, and Shusett, who play the Aliens, along with Jim Thomas and John Thomas who play the Predators. Fortuitously for them, no one will recognize their faces because of all the makeup."

"I feel sorry for the producer who waded through the 41 and 3/4 other lobotomy inducing drafts to choose this loser script."

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-11-27T20:33:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Robinson Crusoe on Mars", 1964

"I can't believe I paid a $4.61 rental fee for this movie as it might have allowed those evil bastards to make a sequel. Watching this movie was like a looking at a drawing of a walrus dry humping a Triumph TR7 with a caption saying 'The shape of things to come.' It leaves a horrible image that is forever burned onto your retinas."

Video Archaeology 101

2008-11-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

Quotes for "Top of the food chain", 1999

"You'll see boom mikes in this movie, somewhere between 200 and 202 boom mikes, but I can't be any more specific than that."

"I'd rather be attacked by some bad ass flying steel ball that drills into my forehead and sprays gallons of blood out the other side for a hilariously long amount of time rather than watch this piece of shit."

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-11-27T15:04:00.001-08:00

Quotes about "Mosquito", 1995

"Huge mosquitoes crashing into ceiling fans exploding in a satisfying shower of sparks is better than any fireball resulting from a Ford Pinto being ass ended. Somebody needs to put a totally fucking flammable sticker on those god damn mosquitoes!"

"Could anyone not dig the whacked sense of humor in this film? Especially in the scene where camper dude is whizzing in the woods while his wife is being felt up by a killer insect. As camper dude races to her aid he continues to take swigs from his sweet life giving beer. One must always keep their priorities straight."

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-11-27T12:59:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "Leprechaun", 1993

"What comes to mind when you think about Ireland? Snakes, U2 induced potato famines, a super model that makes a guys right arm look like a tomahawk choppin on a stump? Think again cuz Ireland tiz the land of leprechauns. Could anyone ask for more? I for one did. Ask for more ale that is, to deaden the pain as here's a movie befitting a hangover from green beer."

"What should you do if you find a copy of the movie Leprechaun? Burn it; see if its ashes turn green. Just remember kiddies, four leaf clovers that glow an eerie green are like kryptonite to leprechauns."

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-11-27T11:53:00.000-08:00

Quotes about "The Killer Shrews", 1959

"Watching this shriveled tale of terror leaves memories similar to one of those damn advertisement jingles you can't get out of your head. So much so that it has driven me to the point of contemplating death by toasterside. Sadly, I don't own a toaster oven, so I can't even drop one in the bathtub to see if my misery will ever end."

"If my dog were as fugly as any of the cheesy shrew dogs in this film, I'd shave its butt and make it walk backwards."

Comments twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video Archaeology 101

2008-11-27T10:39:00.001-08:00

And now, a quote about "The Clonus Horror".

"Watching 'The Clonus Horror' would be worse than cleaning a foot long turd out of a clogged toilet while watching the two characters in 'The Human Tornado' fighting with rakes for over 5 excruciating minutes. The turd would stink less and the damn rake scene only steals five minutes of your life."

Twisted terms courtesy of Snobol4.

Anime Archaeology 101

2008-11-27T08:27:00.001-08:00

Quotes about anime:

"Serial Experiments Lame ... If you took that one scene from every fucking episode and stuck them all together, you'd have 5 episodes of nothing but a telephone pole.....its shadow......and some craptastic buzzing."

This quote twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

Video game archaeology 101

2008-11-26T19:19:00.000-08:00

Quote: "SUPER PITFALL. Only played it on the CoCo III but never want to see it again as long as I live."

Brought to you courtesy of Snobol4. Deviously twisting peoples words out of context since the dawn of the time.

Video game archaeology 101

2008-11-26T18:23:00.000-08:00

Blasphemous quotes about Monaco GP for the Color Computer

"I didn't own a lot of games for it and I talked my parents into buying me a couple ... I never asked them to buy another game because I felt bad for having them spend their money on this piece of shit."

My condolences to anyone who played Morocco GP on the CoCo.

Quotes twisted out of context courtesy of Snobol4.

This is my new blog URL

2007-01-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

I'm using a new URL for the blog. I switched from the bitblot url to the alien-shadows URL to prevent any potential confusion with existing indie developer. I decided to do this after stumbling across an indie developer using the name BitBlot while Googling for information. I have a SourceForge project with the name Alien Shadows, so I decided to use it to identify my blog with.